The wind did not blow today. The mountain was still. I was still. Too still. Something needed to stir.
I did my morning rituals, my morning chores, cared for the critters, cooked breakfast, washed the dishes, cleaned the kitchen, started bread, baked a batch of snickerdoodles, helped Forrest with his school, took care of business, and all the while felt utterly unproductive.
I was restless. I should be doing more, and looked for more, but could not find it. Where is more? Where is that more that will fulfill my needs?
Stay busy… I was not raised to sit still! It is easier for most of us to keep our day full of activity, fill the air with noise, find something to do because surely that is better than doing nothing. I headed out for a quick snowshoe, thinking I could burn some energy away that was smoldering inside me. I walked blindly, unseeing, unappreciative of the beauty surrounding me in a dizzy array of brilliant blue and white and green. How can one do that? I stubbornly remained focused on Some Thing More. Some thing that was not on that mountain with me, of which I could do nothing about, but which I allowed to consume my mind fully, close me off from the beautiful world around me. I did not see, but rather moved forward along my packed trail in repetitive steps, neither seeing nor sensing nor being a part of my surroundings.
We feel the need to do more, be more, have more, buy more, try more. There is a part of human nature that makes us. It drives us. And yet at times, we need to question for what good – for our good, or the good of the world around us? For what good when we are unable to gratify that need to do/be/have more, or perhaps do/be/have at the expense of our surrounding world? Then what?
I am learning. The answers will not be found with what I do/be/have/buy/try. The answers will be found within. In silence. In the stillness of sitting on the mountain, accepting, releasing, and allowing serenity to come out of that silence.
I was not at peace with that today. Perhaps tomorrow. If we achieved it all today, we would have no need for tomorrow. I will need plenty of tomorrows at this rate.