Posted by: highmountainmuse | June 8, 2009

Inside looking out

Walking up the new road from the Little Cabin yesterday

Walking up the new road from the Little Cabin yesterday

Time flies.  Some times it quite amazes me.  Not that it’s a bad thing, it’s just that sometimes it catches me off guard and I’m surprised by how much time has past since last I noticed.  Another full moon lit the sky last night.  I look forward now to the next week of silver light in the predawn hours as the moon sets later and later each day, illuminating my early morning rituals.

I’m anxious for a change, but that is the one thing that seems to be standing still.  We sit here in our comfort, trying to accept the things we don’t like, tolerate things we aspire to change, attempting to make baby steps towards our future, and reminding ourselves that this state we are stuck in isn’t too terrible. So many have it so much worse. We all say that and try to justify our pain by comparing to another’s. That’s never worked well for me. 

Yet we feel tangled in a sticky web at times, unable to move freely.  Caught up in the past, in others dreams, in binding ties and obligations and responsibilities.  It’s not all bad, we know. So much of it is wonderful.  But something underneath it all feels wrong, and encourages us to try to move ahead.  Perhaps it’s the never ending family issues, which I fear are as much a part of the land as the tainted soil, and will not wash out in the next heavy rain.  Other times, I feel it is the fear of change that causes us to cling so strongly onto the safety of the past, the safety of the little bit of what we do know, rather than stepping into the unknown.

But why do we hold onto it?  Just for the comfort?  Also, of course, because making the change is coming so hard.  Those doors just aren’t opening. 

The future is scary, likewise the time of change. But the remaining here without change, without forward motion, seems somehow to be like a sickness one learns to live with.  Not necessary healthy, but tolerable.  You know it could be worse.

But I know it could be better.  I don’t want to hold onto the past for fear of the future.

I remember being brave.  I am not right now.  I feel it, remember it, and am itching to step boldly again.

Enough of looking within. Time to look outside.  As the pink clouds streak the sky and the tips of the mountains across river already have direct light from the rising sun.  My horses line up along the fence waiting for my whistle, and the boys will be up soon ready for another good day.

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Responses

  1. “I remember being brave. I am not right now. I feel it, remember it, and am itching to step boldly again.” Me too… thanks for sharing.

  2. Funny, I though of you, Ruth, as I wrote this and thought quite the opposite. You were the one being brave right now. I’ve not taken the time to check in with you this week but want to do so to hear where you’re at with all the changes blooming before you.

  3. I’m split. But working on it! I waver between brave and afraid. It’s like hopping from one foot to the next in anxiety and then I finally charge. Silly, I suppose. Your words keep me strong Gin. Thank you.

  4. Bravery is what others call us when we are just doing what is right, what needs to be done, following that path that we have chosen. Rarely do we *feel* brave, even when others see us as walking a path of courage…

    Your secret weapon is that you aren’t on that path alone!

  5. Trying to hang on to the past is impossable .Im finding out .Moving head seems just as hard .Iam going to leave a life that i have lived for 37 years and try a new one .Getting to know kids grandkids and great grandkids to dont know and most i have never saw .You think your future scares you .I am terrified .With nothing to hang on to its scary .You keep telling us about your mountains and your thoughts . It gives me some comfort . Your life will be fine you are strong and thoughtful . With both you cant loose .
    Thanks for your stories
    Don

  6. Fear of the unknown…what does our future hold? We are always told to “look forward” and not behind which is a very good thing, but I think during the times when it is too difficult to look forward, those are the times when we just need to “Be” and just live for the present, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. For that is really the only thing we have.

    Hugs to All

  7. Maggie, Ruth, Karen: Such wonderful wisdom, such wonderful friends…

    Don: You’ve been there selflessly for me when I’m here whining, and I have little to complain about out, I am truly blessed – even my challenges help keep me focused and centered and driving forward. I really can’t understand what all you might be feeling and going through. But I’d like to help in any way I can.

    Ruth: Your challenges are far beyond what most of us handle and deal with now. For you too, I’m short on time and energy and words for you, but I promise, full of thoughts, concerns, cares, and support in what ever way I can.

    Good night all.


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